Texas, Heaven on Earth

[Steve Wood]

As a TEXAN I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned living in this Heaven on Earth located South of the Red River and North of the Rio Grande. I can personally attest to the following points as being true:

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep".

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in TEXAS and probably a half dozen species or more in your own backyard.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. 9,999 live in TEXAS.

Armadillos love to dig holes under all bedding plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

Pecan is pronounced "puhcon".

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

TEXAS has 6 seasons:

1. Spring, Feb 16 to April 15

2. Summer, April 16 to July 15 temp 90 to 98 degrees)

3. Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)

4. Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)

5. Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1

6. Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15 The wind blows at 90MPH (THIS IS EXCESSIVE) from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally. (This does not apply to West TEXAS.)

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic and they multiply even faster than rabbits.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat Okra - - and what's more, they like it.

TEXANS really don't have an accent - it's the rest of the world that talks funny.

When the world ends, only ****roaches and mesquite trees will survive.

Green grass DOES burn, as does your skin if you don't run fast enough to the next shade tree.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night, Cats come and go as they please.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks. After that, you don't even notice them anymore.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation and is

drinkable to most of the livestock. The Fish and Game Dept. will help you stock them. In addition, they make good fishin' and swimmin' holes too.

"Bakards and Forards" means I know everything about a subject or the way to go if you're giving directions.

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. Then you get up the next morning before it's light enough to see, and start over.

Opossum is pronounced "possum" and resembles a big hairless rat.

"Fixnto" is one word - - and probably one of the most used words in the true Texan's vocabulary.

The best mall parking places are not measured by how close to the door they are, but how close to shade they are.

[CDNGN]

You know you're in a Florida Summer when...

The best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 35C (92F) and you
feel a little chilly.

You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

[Zap]

Absolutely useless information from absolutely useless informers.

[Steve Wood]

Just consider it practice for your Hooked on Phonics course.

Mean Ass

[mike85gn]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM RURAL MANITOBA WHEN:

1. You never meet any celebrities except Fred Penner
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Winnipeg
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.
8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You use a down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard - without flinching.
11. You plan your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wear hunting clothes at social events
13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think of the major four food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and saskatoons.
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. There are always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the beer store at any given time.
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pyjamas
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
23. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in
town.

Some are repeats. I'm a Winnipeger, but a friend in Oakbank (pop. 1520) sent this to me. If she wasn't a she, I'm almost certain she'd be missing her two front teeth. A-hyuck!