One for Steve.......Texas Chili Taster......

Super Freak · 06-28-2002, 11:33 PM

****WARNING: Contains strong language****

NEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who
was
visiting Texas from New Jersey...

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State
Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,
and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured
by
the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a
true
taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't
be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer
during
the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
when
they saw the look on my face.
*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.
I'm getting ****-faced.

*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that
300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste
I'm
eating.
*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted
and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.

> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****
to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm
not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through
the
4 inch hole in my stomach.

*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed
out,
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going
to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

------------------
* 1985 GN

* 23 Antique VWs

fast86 · 06-29-2002, 12:09 AM

Hey you little punk! You know I have copyrights on this. When will I be getting my $30.000 !!

earlbrown · 06-29-2002, 12:15 AM

damn harley clowns, it's probally only worth $10,000.

Super Freak · 06-29-2002, 12:22 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by fast86:
Hey you little punk! You know I have copyrights on this. When will I be getting my $30.000 !!

LOL! Wellllll, you are one famous author for it to show up in my lil' ol' mailbox

I checked the path and message source....you're nationwide, baby!

Ixnay on the Ashcay, Holmes....no $$$ gained here.

------------------
* 1985 GN

* 23 Antique VWs

Steve Wood · 06-29-2002, 12:38 AM

Well, that guy was a ***** no matter who published it. Probably a damn yankee that expected beans in the chili!

salvageV6 · 06-29-2002, 10:33 AM

If there aren't any beans in the Chilli then it ain't Chilli.

Nasty Wendy · 06-29-2002, 11:33 AM

------------------
This guy's car really sucks and he doesn't know crap about chili

Steve Wood · 06-29-2002, 12:31 PM

If it has beans in it, it is stew, not chili!

salvageV6 · 06-29-2002, 06:55 PM

Stew? Isn't that what Texans do when there chilli isn't hot enough, or has beans in it?

Youse guys are funny, kidney beans are good for ya, white ones and the red ones.

Steve Wood · 06-29-2002, 09:52 PM

We are talking about Chili...not something that comes out of a can or bean soup!

06-28-2002, 11:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
Super Freak Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: L.A. (Lower Alabama) Posts: 188	One for Steve.......Texas Chili Taster...... **WARNING: Contains strong language NEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event." *Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. *Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. *Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced. *Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. *Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! *Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! **Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. **Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) ------------------ 1985 GN * 23 Antique VWs __________________ * 1985 GN (SOLD) * 6 Subarus 4WD! * 1 bad Jeep

06-29-2002, 12:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
fast86 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Memphis,Tn. Posts: 1,293	Hey you little punk! You know I have copyrights on this. When will I be getting my $30.000 !! __________________ To hell with 12's Im going for the 11's! Keith Davis--- 2003 Harley Davidson 03 1500 Cheby PU 72 Cheby 4x4 86GN, Astroroof, DigDash' TTA crank, Ported polished heads & intake' Jay's 62mm T/body & upper' 979springs" Weber 206 206 hyd cam" Manly SS valves, Steel center mains' PTE 51 Turbo,Bigmouth cold air system' THDP' Postons headers,

06-29-2002, 12:15 AM	#3 (permalink)
earlbrown Iheartporn Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: lagrange ga Posts: 3,479	damn harley clowns, it's probally only worth $10,000. __________________ PORN: It's not just for breakfast, lunch, and dinner anymore

06-29-2002, 12:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 36,871	Well, that guy was a ***** no matter who published it. Probably a damn yankee that expected beans in the chili! __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

06-29-2002, 10:33 AM	#6 (permalink)
salvageV6 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Connecticut, USA Posts: 6,406	If there aren't any beans in the Chilli then it ain't Chilli. __________________ WE4, 155K, Daily Driver, DBLBBGT70, 55lb.Inj., Pedophile DP, hollow cat.,Schertz Hi-Pro and 3200Protorque, Postons Headers, 2 1/2"SS Ultraflows and pipes, Ex.Ext. alky chip, EGT/Bilsteins, Boxed Cont. arms/Airbags/snubber,Blizzak snows, Nittos 275/60DR, 307, adj.reg./ SMC alky dual, 9 gauges,scamaster and D.Scan,BSTC, translator and 31/2"MAF, V4 inter. DYNO. TESTED!!! 11.93 @ 113.7 GN loaded, car #2. 115K miles. Accufab reg.,Scanmaster, Reds 100 chip, Mease downpipe, Mease 15row stretch IC, hollow cat., ATR ss. 3"crossflow, SMC alky., J.J. 62mm.T.B., RJC power plate, Bilsteins, Moog springs, HR Parts mount and rear arms, Nittos. "Some Cars Like Lots Of Fuel Pressure and Some Cars Are On Blocks." 12.4 @ 111

06-29-2002, 11:33 AM	#7 (permalink)
Nasty Wendy Defender of the Universe Join Date: May 2001 Location: Waggaman, La. USA Posts: 9,920	------------------ This guy's car really sucks and he doesn't know crap about chili __________________ The Turbobuicks.com FFL 2006 Champions DSR #3

06-29-2002, 12:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 36,871	If it has beans in it, it is stew, not chili! __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

06-29-2002, 06:55 PM	#9 (permalink)
salvageV6 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Connecticut, USA Posts: 6,406	Stew? Isn't that what Texans do when there chilli isn't hot enough, or has beans in it? Youse guys are funny, kidney beans are good for ya, white ones and the red ones. __________________ WE4, 155K, Daily Driver, DBLBBGT70, 55lb.Inj., Pedophile DP, hollow cat.,Schertz Hi-Pro and 3200Protorque, Postons Headers, 2 1/2"SS Ultraflows and pipes, Ex.Ext. alky chip, EGT/Bilsteins, Boxed Cont. arms/Airbags/snubber,Blizzak snows, Nittos 275/60DR, 307, adj.reg./ SMC alky dual, 9 gauges,scamaster and D.Scan,BSTC, translator and 31/2"MAF, V4 inter. DYNO. TESTED!!! 11.93 @ 113.7 GN loaded, car #2. 115K miles. Accufab reg.,Scanmaster, Reds 100 chip, Mease downpipe, Mease 15row stretch IC, hollow cat., ATR ss. 3"crossflow, SMC alky., J.J. 62mm.T.B., RJC power plate, Bilsteins, Moog springs, HR Parts mount and rear arms, Nittos. "Some Cars Like Lots Of Fuel Pressure and Some Cars Are On Blocks." 12.4 @ 111

06-29-2002, 09:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 36,871	We are talking about Chili...not something that comes out of a can or bean soup! __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode