I Race STEVE WOOD!!!

Zap · 07-14-2001, 11:46 PM

The time had finally come as I was tired of taking insults from Mr. Wood. I realize that it is his way of drawing attention away from his lonely pathetic life, but I could only take so much. So I finally challenged him to a race. I tried to meet him halfway somewhere in a civilized state rather than Texas, but he whinned and stuttered and stammered around like Mel Tillis (he was going to have to actually race instead of B.S., so he was becoming nervous). So I had to go to Houston on his home turf. I figured nobody liked him there either so he probably wouldn't have much of an advantage.

After getting directions to the locale of the race (he wouldn't invite me to his home, probably too embarrased by its run down state) I set off. Not much to see on the way there. I knew I had entered Texas when I started to see all the big "cow horn" hood ornaments and cowboy hats. Yeeehaw! I knew the moment of truth was at hand.

I drove to the location of the race. It looked like an old abandoned drag strip out in the middle of nowhere. I could see Steve's plan. He knew he was going to lose to my superior highly tuned hotair and he wanted to keep it a secret. Oh well, the self satisfaction would be enough for me.

After waiting for over two hours I finally saw a car approaching from the distance. As it got closer I could see that it was indeed a turbo regal. The race would be on! My heart was pumping faster than a 2 dollar hooker.

As I approached the car out popped a man about four feet tall and 90lbs. He looked like he was about 97 years old. "Steve," I said, "Is that you?" "Don't hit me Zap, please don't hit me. I'm not at all in good health and I'm so very afraid!" I assured him that I was not going to hit him and all I was interested in was the race.

After he calmed down we agreed to the rules of the race (I think he understood, as he is quite senile at times) and agreed to look at each others cars. He was over looking at my hotair gem (or sleeping standing up, it was hard to tell) while I gazed at his intercooled blunder. The interior was full of empty viagra and tequila bottles, the exterior was baked by the Texas sun and repainted in spots with Rustoleum "rusty metal" primer. Steve bragged that he had done the paint work himself.

After I slapped him around for a couple of minutes to get him out of a senile coma, and pointed him toward his car, he went in and fired his intercooled slowmobile up. Something just didn't sound right. I asked him to pop the hood. He didn't have enough strength to do it without my help, but we finally managed.

He had the intercooler on upside down and had a sparkplug stuck in the oxygen sensor hole. I helped him get things straightened out. By this time I was starting to feel really sorry for the poor guy. It was obvious that any sense he had ever had (which probably wasn't much) had long since gone. I knew what I had to do.

We agreed on the terms of the race and got in our cars. The buzzards kept circling Steve so it was no easy task to get him in his car as they kept making dives to make sure he was still alive. With the buzzards out of the way I waited for Steve to make his move...and waited...and waited. I looked over and he had fallen asleep and one of the buzzards had come back and took a big chunk out of his ear. I chased the buzzard off and woke Steve up and he assured me he was ready this time.

We both revved our engines and took off. We had a quarter mile marked off and I was ahead half way through. Then Steve began to catch up. As we neared the finish line it was neck and neck. Across the finish line and...Steve had won!

Suddenly that four foot tall humpbacked 97 year old wasn't so pathetic any more. He was smiling from ear to partial ear. It wasn't easy to leave my hotaired missle in first gear for an entire quarter mile but I had done it. I had thrown the race.

After Steve calmed down we talked a while (actually I talked and he mumbled a bunch of incoherent jibberish) and parted ways. I knew that I could have easily beaten him, but sometimes winning the race isn't important. I had given a crooked old buzzard eaten, senile, half-wit a reason to smile again and to go on living. I had brightened one old pathetic losers life for one bright shining moment. I had given him a memory that would live forever (or at least till he forgot it) That is what life is all about. That and lots of sex.

IRVJR · 07-16-2001, 10:37 AM

WOW. I laughed, i cried. Then i puked.
Thanks Raven, er......oops, i mean Zap.

Scott

------------------
86 GN, Blue Tops, TA-49, LT1 valve springs, 8Pos MaxEffort, 2 3/4" ATR DP, ported elbow, Adj FPR, Adj wastegate, Walbro 307 (hot wired, tie down strap, K+N, test pipe, Kenne Bell 2 1/2" dual exhaust, Hooker Max Flows, 160 stat, Nitto DR's, Pro Torque 2800 stall in a working trans (YEEHAW)

Minimalism (its the least you can do)

d0n_3d · 07-16-2001, 12:14 PM

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
hilarious man

------------------
Why does everyone have to be a Chevy or Ford fan? Buick whoops them both! The Corvette is over-rated, and Camaros and Mustangs are so common, everyone and their mum owns one. With the Grand National, you not only have a fast car, you have a REALLY fast car! Not to mention it's not seen everyday like the cars I mentioned. I've raced Mustangs and Camaros with my stock 87' GN and I was never impressed with the opponents efforts=D

Zap · 07-16-2001, 02:31 PM

I think Raven would shoot you for the comparison. Besides, Raven's stories are fiction, while mine are all true!

Truth is stranger than fiction, especially when dealing with Mr. Wood. Oh, he'll deny it if you ask him (all but the part where he wins) but his half eaten "buzzard" ear is a dead giveaway that I tell no tales.

TDS-84 · 07-16-2001, 04:25 PM

LMAO!! Thanks for the story!

------------------
TomS.

*'84 Burgundy T-Type - Mostly stock, looking for upgrades
*'70 Camaro - Mostly in pieces....looking for time & $$

*JOKER* · 07-16-2001, 05:24 PM

Once again.....tears of laughter.

Carolinaturbot6 · 07-18-2001, 10:28 AM

Fargin hilarious!

Steve Wood · 07-19-2001, 07:00 PM

The worst thing about racing Zap (other than trying to decypher his writing) is having to clean his fenders out of my air intake at the 1/8th mile and and then having to stop again and pull his head out on the return road.

The next worst thing is trying to find a tow truck that will pull him thru the quarter mile for less than $40.00.

He has threatened to step up to his pet turtle for the next race but the damn turtle goes to sleep in the water box every time. I refuse to stage before the turtle any more!

Gap has the best known Regal in West Vermont. the game wardens use it to lean the metal deer up against and Rap comes out every morning and shoots the thing again. His sister conceived three kids in the backseat before the turtle kicked her out for non-support.

Now she sleeps under the trailer with Chris Cairn's sister. Lesbos from West Vermont!

Zap · 07-19-2001, 09:46 PM

Insult me all you want Dad, I'm still marrying your daughter. What's her name anyway? I guess that's something I should know before I get hitched.

Steve Wood · 07-19-2001, 10:13 PM

You better figure out if you can afford her first.....

Zap · 07-19-2001, 10:27 PM

I thought she was gonna support me!

Get your facts straight. It's a tortoise, not a turtle. And..he/she is not a pet. He/She simply drops by for a meal every so often. He/She is a free-range tortoise, able to plod freely about the West Virginia terrain.

Speaking of my upcoming nuptials, how much do you think it would cost you to rent the Alamo. I want it to be a wedding to remember.

Steve Wood · 07-20-2001, 05:07 PM

being she is half mexican and half german......I reckon the Alamo will come pretty cheap. Her ancestors probably shot some of her ancestors back in 1836.

Zap · 07-20-2001, 06:19 PM

Get everything arranged, Dad. Drop me an email when it's all good and we'll set the date. A history of mental illness won't throw a monkey wrench into things will it? It usually skips a generation anyhow so the kids should be OK. Can Cairns be my best man?

Steve Wood · 07-20-2001, 06:28 PM

Long as you are not afraid she will go Lorena Bobbit on you, I don't care. You probably don't have anything to worry about anyway.

Cairns, best man? gee, why does the term oxymoron come to mind?

Zap · 07-20-2001, 06:58 PM

I have heard Cairns is a big Oxy Moron, but I have no prejudices against the large mentally deficient.

Build the swingset Grandpa, the grandkids are on their way!

07-14-2001, 11:46 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zap A Cornucopia of Goodness Join Date: May 2001 Location: Serving time in the prison of life Posts: 20,670	I Race STEVE WOOD!!! The time had finally come as I was tired of taking insults from Mr. Wood. I realize that it is his way of drawing attention away from his lonely pathetic life, but I could only take so much. So I finally challenged him to a race. I tried to meet him halfway somewhere in a civilized state rather than Texas, but he whinned and stuttered and stammered around like Mel Tillis (he was going to have to actually race instead of B.S., so he was becoming nervous). So I had to go to Houston on his home turf. I figured nobody liked him there either so he probably wouldn't have much of an advantage. After getting directions to the locale of the race (he wouldn't invite me to his home, probably too embarrased by its run down state) I set off. Not much to see on the way there. I knew I had entered Texas when I started to see all the big "cow horn" hood ornaments and cowboy hats. Yeeehaw! I knew the moment of truth was at hand. I drove to the location of the race. It looked like an old abandoned drag strip out in the middle of nowhere. I could see Steve's plan. He knew he was going to lose to my superior highly tuned hotair and he wanted to keep it a secret. Oh well, the self satisfaction would be enough for me. After waiting for over two hours I finally saw a car approaching from the distance. As it got closer I could see that it was indeed a turbo regal. The race would be on! My heart was pumping faster than a 2 dollar hooker. As I approached the car out popped a man about four feet tall and 90lbs. He looked like he was about 97 years old. "Steve," I said, "Is that you?" "Don't hit me Zap, please don't hit me. I'm not at all in good health and I'm so very afraid!" I assured him that I was not going to hit him and all I was interested in was the race. After he calmed down we agreed to the rules of the race (I think he understood, as he is quite senile at times) and agreed to look at each others cars. He was over looking at my hotair gem (or sleeping standing up, it was hard to tell) while I gazed at his intercooled blunder. The interior was full of empty viagra and tequila bottles, the exterior was baked by the Texas sun and repainted in spots with Rustoleum "rusty metal" primer. Steve bragged that he had done the paint work himself. After I slapped him around for a couple of minutes to get him out of a senile coma, and pointed him toward his car, he went in and fired his intercooled slowmobile up. Something just didn't sound right. I asked him to pop the hood. He didn't have enough strength to do it without my help, but we finally managed. He had the intercooler on upside down and had a sparkplug stuck in the oxygen sensor hole. I helped him get things straightened out. By this time I was starting to feel really sorry for the poor guy. It was obvious that any sense he had ever had (which probably wasn't much) had long since gone. I knew what I had to do. We agreed on the terms of the race and got in our cars. The buzzards kept circling Steve so it was no easy task to get him in his car as they kept making dives to make sure he was still alive. With the buzzards out of the way I waited for Steve to make his move...and waited...and waited. I looked over and he had fallen asleep and one of the buzzards had come back and took a big chunk out of his ear. I chased the buzzard off and woke Steve up and he assured me he was ready this time. We both revved our engines and took off. We had a quarter mile marked off and I was ahead half way through. Then Steve began to catch up. As we neared the finish line it was neck and neck. Across the finish line and...Steve had won! Suddenly that four foot tall humpbacked 97 year old wasn't so pathetic any more. He was smiling from ear to partial ear. It wasn't easy to leave my hotaired missle in first gear for an entire quarter mile but I had done it. I had thrown the race. After Steve calmed down we talked a while (actually I talked and he mumbled a bunch of incoherent jibberish) and parted ways. I knew that I could have easily beaten him, but sometimes winning the race isn't important. I had given a crooked old buzzard eaten, senile, half-wit a reason to smile again and to go on living. I had brightened one old pathetic losers life for one bright shining moment. I had given him a memory that would live forever (or at least till he forgot it) That is what life is all about. That and lots of sex. __________________ Currently between birth and death.

07-16-2001, 10:37 AM	#2 (permalink)
IRVJR Dr. Theopolis Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Orlando Posts: 590	WOW. I laughed, i cried. Then i puked. Thanks Raven, er......oops, i mean Zap. Scott ------------------ 86 GN, Blue Tops, TA-49, LT1 valve springs, 8Pos MaxEffort, 2 3/4" ATR DP, ported elbow, Adj FPR, Adj wastegate, Walbro 307 (hot wired, tie down strap, K+N, test pipe, Kenne Bell 2 1/2" dual exhaust, Hooker Max Flows, 160 stat, Nitto DR's, Pro Torque 2800 stall in a working trans (YEEHAW) Minimalism (its the least you can do) __________________ RIP 4-12-08 86 GN

07-16-2001, 12:14 PM	#3 (permalink)
d0n_3d What's in YOUR wallet?! Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Valparaiso, Indiana Posts: 519	ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA hilarious man ------------------ Why does everyone have to be a Chevy or Ford fan? Buick whoops them both! The Corvette is over-rated, and Camaros and Mustangs are so common, everyone and their mum owns one. With the Grand National, you not only have a fast car, you have a REALLY fast car! Not to mention it's not seen everyday like the cars I mentioned. I've raced Mustangs and Camaros with my stock 87' GN and I was never impressed with the opponents efforts=D __________________ 87 GN - 11.12 @ 119 mph, best 60 ft of 1.51 (old 61 combo) 10's on the horizon PT67 P-trim dual BB, high-z 65's, 9" Art Carr 3200 stall, PTE FMIC, GN1's, ported stock intake, Comp 212/212 cam STOCK bottom end 115k miles, stock ECM, daily driven street car, fully optioned, full weight car, cold a/c

07-16-2001, 02:31 PM	#4 (permalink)
Zap A Cornucopia of Goodness Join Date: May 2001 Location: Serving time in the prison of life Posts: 20,670	I think Raven would shoot you for the comparison. Besides, Raven's stories are fiction, while mine are all true! Truth is stranger than fiction, especially when dealing with Mr. Wood. Oh, he'll deny it if you ask him (all but the part where he wins) but his half eaten "buzzard" ear is a dead giveaway that I tell no tales. __________________ Currently between birth and death.

07-16-2001, 04:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
TDS-84 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 95	LMAO!! Thanks for the story! ------------------ TomS. '84 Burgundy T-Type - Mostly stock, looking for upgrades* '70 Camaro - Mostly in pieces....looking for time & $$ __________________ TomS. '84 Burgundy T-Type - Mostly stock, (and mostly immobile) mods & repairs coming SOME day*

07-16-2001, 05:24 PM	#6 (permalink)
JOKER Surely you jest Join Date: May 2001 Location: Norfolk, VA Posts: 453	Once again.....tears of laughter. __________________ I know who your daddy. I was there on November 12, 1966 near Clendenin, West Virginia.

07-18-2001, 10:28 AM	#7 (permalink)
Carolinaturbot6 Member Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Summerville,S.C.,USA Posts: 349	Fargin hilarious! __________________ 87 GN....038 w/st. mains 10/10 crank.. Wiseco pistons 206/206 roller Champ. irons TE44/Houston dp Janis tranny w/ 9/11 convertor

07-19-2001, 07:00 PM	#8 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 35,724	The worst thing about racing Zap (other than trying to decypher his writing) is having to clean his fenders out of my air intake at the 1/8th mile and and then having to stop again and pull his head out on the return road. The next worst thing is trying to find a tow truck that will pull him thru the quarter mile for less than $40.00. He has threatened to step up to his pet turtle for the next race but the damn turtle goes to sleep in the water box every time. I refuse to stage before the turtle any more! Gap has the best known Regal in West Vermont. the game wardens use it to lean the metal deer up against and Rap comes out every morning and shoots the thing again. His sister conceived three kids in the backseat before the turtle kicked her out for non-support. Now she sleeps under the trailer with Chris Cairn's sister. Lesbos from West Vermont! __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

07-19-2001, 09:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
Zap A Cornucopia of Goodness Join Date: May 2001 Location: Serving time in the prison of life Posts: 20,670	Insult me all you want Dad, I'm still marrying your daughter. What's her name anyway? I guess that's something I should know before I get hitched. __________________ Currently between birth and death.

07-19-2001, 10:13 PM	#10 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 35,724	You better figure out if you can afford her first..... __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

07-19-2001, 10:27 PM	#11 (permalink)
Zap A Cornucopia of Goodness Join Date: May 2001 Location: Serving time in the prison of life Posts: 20,670	I thought she was gonna support me! Get your facts straight. It's a tortoise, not a turtle. And..he/she is not a pet. He/She simply drops by for a meal every so often. He/She is a free-range tortoise, able to plod freely about the West Virginia terrain. Speaking of my upcoming nuptials, how much do you think it would cost you to rent the Alamo. I want it to be a wedding to remember. __________________ Currently between birth and death.

07-20-2001, 05:07 PM	#12 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 35,724	being she is half mexican and half german......I reckon the Alamo will come pretty cheap. Her ancestors probably shot some of her ancestors back in 1836. __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

07-20-2001, 06:19 PM	#13 (permalink)
Zap A Cornucopia of Goodness Join Date: May 2001 Location: Serving time in the prison of life Posts: 20,670	Get everything arranged, Dad. Drop me an email when it's all good and we'll set the date. A history of mental illness won't throw a monkey wrench into things will it? It usually skips a generation anyhow so the kids should be OK. Can Cairns be my best man? __________________ Currently between birth and death.

07-20-2001, 06:28 PM	#14 (permalink)
Steve Wood An American American Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: East of Eden, Texas Posts: 35,724	Long as you are not afraid she will go Lorena Bobbit on you, I don't care. You probably don't have anything to worry about anyway. Cairns, best man? gee, why does the term oxymoron come to mind? __________________ ------------------ 'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson I think one should worry more when people are lining up to get out of a country rather than into it. If they're sneaking in, we must be doing something right. The Chronicles of Zap, from the early 21st century www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

07-20-2001, 06:58 PM	#15 (permalink)
Zap A Cornucopia of Goodness Join Date: May 2001 Location: Serving time in the prison of life Posts: 20,670	I have heard Cairns is a big Oxy Moron, but I have no prejudices against the large mentally deficient. Build the swingset Grandpa, the grandkids are on their way! __________________ Currently between birth and death.

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