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Zap · 12-12-2001, 05:39 PM

Due to his cartoonish behavior, I knew that I had to end his existance. Further, I realized from his posts, that he would take more erasing than the normal #2 pencil could provide. A bundle of pencils banded together with rubber bands was a possible alternative, but not practical, as I would need at least 1000 of them.

Thus, I needed a custom made Eraser of immense proportions for this huge and important task. For this literal "rubbing out" to be done correctly, it had to be done as painfully as possible, preferrably a slow and agonizing pain. This would be in inverse proportion to the amount of pleasure I would devise from his erasure.

I also required that the erasing be clean. I didn't want one of those smeary erasings where firebird would leave smudges all over the place. Neatness counts. I wanted a clean and complete erasing.

I contacted The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company about the possibility of a giant firebird eraser. They agreed to the construction, but the price was quite prohibitive. I then contacted HO GUNG WA giant eraser company of Bejing, China. This was more to my liking! They only paid their workers in dirt and gravels, so the cost of labor resulted in a very reasonably priced giant eraser, even with shipping costs.

I eagerly awaited my giant erasers arrival. Then one magical day it arrived. What a beauty! Ten Feet tall, 1200lbs of Chinese erasing might! I cut down a telephone pole to use as a giant pencil substitute, loaded it up on my flatbed truck and headed to New York.

I drove to the nutty section of town and waited outside of "the Birds" house. This was going to be beautiful! The world would be a much better place without him, and I might have enough eraser left to "rub out" some of my other enemies. An erasing orgy! I was somewhat aroused at the thought.

Just at the break of dawn, I saw a set of beady little eyes shining in the open doorway of birdies house. He peered out, as if he knew someone was waiting. Come out! Come out! I couldn't wait! My heart couldn't take this anymore! After what seemed like an hour, he showed himself.

He was less than 10 feet away from me as I hid in the bushes. He mumbled "Hmmmm...I don't remember that telephone pole being there!" Then I jumped him! I went into an erasing frenzy! Up and down, around and around I erased! I yelled "die you spelling impaired demon, die, die!" I laughed maniacally as I completed my task. The bird was gone! Or was he?

He was not! My eraser was completely used up, and yet he stood there still! "Hi Zap," he said "I'm glad you are here, you can show me where the heater control valve is!" Arrrrggggg! That cheap Chinese Eraser had fallen apart and The Bird was still alive.

Moral of the Story: Don't order giant Erasers from the Chinese. In an hour you'll just need another one.

12-12-2001, 05:39 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zap Boorn Looser Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 20,980	I Erase Firebirdie 1252! Due to his cartoonish behavior, I knew that I had to end his existance. Further, I realized from his posts, that he would take more erasing than the normal #2 pencil could provide. A bundle of pencils banded together with rubber bands was a possible alternative, but not practical, as I would need at least 1000 of them. Thus, I needed a custom made Eraser of immense proportions for this huge and important task. For this literal "rubbing out" to be done correctly, it had to be done as painfully as possible, preferrably a slow and agonizing pain. This would be in inverse proportion to the amount of pleasure I would devise from his erasure. I also required that the erasing be clean. I didn't want one of those smeary erasings where firebird would leave smudges all over the place. Neatness counts. I wanted a clean and complete erasing. I contacted The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company about the possibility of a giant firebird eraser. They agreed to the construction, but the price was quite prohibitive. I then contacted HO GUNG WA giant eraser company of Bejing, China. This was more to my liking! They only paid their workers in dirt and gravels, so the cost of labor resulted in a very reasonably priced giant eraser, even with shipping costs. I eagerly awaited my giant erasers arrival. Then one magical day it arrived. What a beauty! Ten Feet tall, 1200lbs of Chinese erasing might! I cut down a telephone pole to use as a giant pencil substitute, loaded it up on my flatbed truck and headed to New York. I drove to the nutty section of town and waited outside of "the Birds" house. This was going to be beautiful! The world would be a much better place without him, and I might have enough eraser left to "rub out" some of my other enemies. An erasing orgy! I was somewhat aroused at the thought. Just at the break of dawn, I saw a set of beady little eyes shining in the open doorway of birdies house. He peered out, as if he knew someone was waiting. Come out! Come out! I couldn't wait! My heart couldn't take this anymore! After what seemed like an hour, he showed himself. He was less than 10 feet away from me as I hid in the bushes. He mumbled "Hmmmm...I don't remember that telephone pole being there!" Then I jumped him! I went into an erasing frenzy! Up and down, around and around I erased! I yelled "die you spelling impaired demon, die, die!" I laughed maniacally as I completed my task. The bird was gone! Or was he? He was not! My eraser was completely used up, and yet he stood there still! "Hi Zap," he said "I'm glad you are here, you can show me where the heater control valve is!" Arrrrggggg! That cheap Chinese Eraser had fallen apart and The Bird was still alive. Moral of the Story: Don't order giant Erasers from the Chinese. In an hour you'll just need another one.